Neil Humphreys: Don’t name and shame our hawkers — not every bad meal needs a public takedown

Long before trendy baristas charged $10 for something small and brown in an egg cup, I invented the dirty chai, or the kopi cham, or the yuan yang. All right, I inadvertently created the coffee and tea combo and almost got punched in the face for my efforts.

I was working in my grandfather’s café. It was 7am. I was tired and struggling with puberty. I had a lot on my mind. I nearly ended up with a cup of dirty chai on my head.

A construction worker ordered a coffee. I added a teaspoon of the cheapest coffee granules — my grandfather made Scrooge look like the Kardashians — then had to choose between the hot water urn and the tea urn.

I chose the tea urn. Because I’m an idiot.

The construction worker took a sip. His expression suggested he’d swallowed a laxative and was miles from the nearest toilet. He winced. His left eye appeared to produce a single, rather impressive, tear.

But he didn’t speak. Instead, he sat down, posted a photo of my tea-coffee disaster on social media and I was cancelled faster than the Iran-US peace deal.

Of course, that last bit didn’t happen, because this was the late 1980s and we didn’t address such issues in the cowardly shadows of social media. We dealt with them directly, like adults.

When complaints stayed offline

He leaned over the counter and said: “This tastes like horse’s piss.”

I wanted to ask how he was capable of making such a comparison. Did he volunteer at the local stables? Had he worked as a farm boy and mistaken a horse for a cow?

But I restrained myself. He now had closed fists, gritted teeth and the haunted look of a man who knew my coffee-tea monstrosity would be leaving his body very soon.

I gave him a free cup of coffee, which earned a scolding from my grandfather, and played the long game, knowing that I’d mock him four decades later in a column.

Whatever happened to dealing with bad service or negative feedback on the spot, allowing both sides a chance to resolve matters and move on, without feeling the need to name and shame F&B operators online?

In recent days, we’ve had a customer publicly complain about having to pay 90 cents for three takeaway plastic bags.

Whether the grievance was valid or not, did the customer really need to name the stall, include the date and time of the sale and provide the stall owner’s blood group, distinguishing features and the addresses of all his living relatives?

Was this a food complaint or an episode of The Sopranos?

All right, the customer didn’t get that personal, but once the stall’s details were provided online, the damage was done.

For the sake of one’s blood pressure, here’s a radical thought: why not shrug off a negative experience and simply don’t go back?

Selective online outrage

We do it in other parts of life. During the pandemic, I visited a different GP clinic to get my ears flushed. As I produce more wax than a candle maker, this is a twice-a-year routine for me.

But my new doctor treated my ear like he was pushing a golf ball through a fire hose. At one point, I was certain his syringe had burst through my eardrum and he was busily scratching “I was here” onto my brain.

So I didn’t go back. Simple.

I didn’t take photos of the receipt, or his surgery, or his wife, kids and beloved dog, Waxy. I just returned to my regular GP.

And while I’m stretching analogies between the medical and food industries, have you ever noticed that those in the revenge business are very selective about their targets?

A hawker stall gets dragged for charging 30 cents per plastic bag. A Thai food stall gets slammed for imposing a surcharge, due to rising costs caused by the Iran war. An eatery is criticised for charging a family for bringing in bottled water from outside.

But when was the last time you saw someone dox their proctologist?

I’ve yet to see a viral post about a clinic, complete with receipts and “before” and “after” shots of the underwhelming service, with a furious caption that reads: “I can’t believe I paid THIS much, only for it to look like THAT”.

No, we don’t go after doctors charging $200 for a consultation that essentially consists of someone sitting behind a desk and saying: “Yeah, you’ll need a scan. Do you have private health insurance? Oh, well, most people are fine with just one kidney.”

Take a step back

Let’s go after those working long hours in the sweltering conditions, producing hundreds of affordable meals every day, while trying to earn a living wage.

Or maybe — just maybe — take a breath and walk away. Don’t rage. Don’t post.

And if you still feel compelled to name and shame our hawkers, come and see me.

I’ll make you a very special cup of coffee. 

Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and MONEY FM radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.

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