Neil Humphreys: S'poreans will queue for anything, just don't rip us off
It's the season of goodwill, which is a time to appreciate what really matters: cheaper keropok in Johor Bahru.
It's also time for the most pointless public service announcement in history, when the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority releases the following statement: Those travelling to Malaysia during the holidays should expect empty Causeways, live shows and free copies of 'The Albatross File: Inside Separation'.
(It feels like every Singaporean story in the last week or so must reference Operation Albatross at least once, so I'm just hitting my quota.)
Of course that's not going to happen. Instead, the ICA deploys manpower to remind us that the holidays are here. Expect longer waiting times at the Woodlands and Tuas checkpoints.
Meanwhile, the folks at NParks are ready to inform the public that the rain season is here. Expect muddy puddles.
And it's only a matter of time before the Singapore Police Force reminds us that scamming syndicates are on the rise. Expect more money launderers.
Nothing unites us like cheap stuff
We don't need a weatherman to tell us when it's raining. And we don't need the ICA to tell us that long queues are expected on both Causeways. We like cheap things. We like queuing for cheap things. We also like looking for shopping mall queues, assuming that they will lead us to cheap things.
I once encouraged my wife to join an all female-queue in a shopping mall, hazarding a guess that they were onto something. Indeed they were. They hoped to be on the toilet. But the facilities were closed for cleaning.
Nothing brings Singaporeans together like a queue for cheap stuff. We gather. We wait in line. And then we get into "heated quarrels" and "scuffles", which makes us sound like aunties squabbling over mahjong titles.
But that's what happened at the recent Simba promotion. The telecom provider offered a birthday promotion from Dec 12 to 14, with impressive recharge and broadband discounts. But the clue was in the terms and conditions. It was an hour-long promotion.
Asking Singaporeans to queue for something cheap and then giving them only an hour to collect is like asking Donald Trump to complete a coherent sentence. There's just not enough time for these things.
I'm always a tad baffled by these queuing stories. If there are more than five people in front of me at a men's urinal, I'll turn my bladder into a barrage balloon and wait until I get home. Evolution didn't turn us into elegant, bipedal specimens only to spend our limited occupancy on this planet queuing for Labubu's ugly cousin.
And secondly, I genuinely didn't know what Simba was or did. When I heard about the "scuffles" over Simba, I assumed it involved men in costumes at Disneyland.
So I was curious to read about two men getting into a "heated quarrel" at a Simba outlet at Paya Lebar Quarter Mall. I wasn't expecting the final scenes of a John Wick movie. But I was expecting more than two men staring at each other and wagging their fingers. They looked like school prefects scolding each other for not putting the classroom chairs away.
Chaos, Singapore-style
Nevertheless, these "scuffles" were playing out at Simba stores across Singapore, as it swiftly became apparent that a one-hour promotion window was never going to be enough for citizens who will queue for two hours on the Causeway just to buy cheaper toilet rolls.
Things were no better at Clementi Central, where one eyewitness described the situation as "chaotic". In war-torn countries, a "chaotic situation" is when aid supplies can't get through a blockade. In Singapore, a "chaotic situation" is a long queue for cheaper broadband.
According to one Stomper, "due to the overwhelming response, the crowd was huge and after two hours, (Simba staff) cancelled the promotion and asked us to come back the next day at 2pm to queue again."
Now that's the kind of corporate problem-solving I'd like to see rolled out at all events that require extensive queuing.
In war-torn countries, a "chaotic situation" is when aid supplies can't get through a blockade. In Singapore, a "chaotic situation" is a long queue for cheaper broadband.
If anyone from The Kallang, formerly known as the Sports Hub, formerly known as Kallang, happens to be reading this, imagine sending out the following press release: "Due to the overwhelming response, the crowd was huge and after two hours, Kallang staff cancelled the Taylor Swift show mid-song and asked the audience to return the next day to hear the rest of Shake It Off."
In one video, a Stomp user claimed Simba staff dispersed "the frustrated crowd" because the "system was down", which came as no surprise.
Singapore's queuing system has been down since about 1996, the last time such an outdated PR tool was relevant.
In the age of apps and online queuing services, there's no need to have so many physical, sweaty bodies shuffling along like an audition for The Walking Dead: Shopping Mall Apocalypse.
Yet too many still think the physical queue is good for publicity, word of mouth, online clips and Snapchat posts, in a cynical attempt to appeal to one's kiasuism and FOMO. Do any potential PR benefits still outweigh the obvious risks of going viral for the wrong reasons?
Most of us don't even fall for such obvious gimmicks in Singapore anymore. We're too busy queuing for even cheaper stuff in JB.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
