Neil Humphreys: Singapore can lock away national reserves, but not angry men in SIA toilets
Singapore has to be the only country in the world that can lock away billions of dollars in our national reserves and several residents inside a bakery, but cannot lock a toilet door on a flight. All in the same week.
OK, the national reserves are locked away permanently for a "rainy day". (Has anyone looked outside the window lately?)
But it's certainly been a bizarre few days for malfunctioning doors on a tiny island famed for its efficiency, organisation and personal safety.
We may not have a military to rival the United States, or an economy to rival China, or even ramen to rival Japan, but we take great pride in knowing that every public toilet in this sanitised country comes with a working lock. (The public toilet also comes with a working auntie, mopping the floor inches away from my nether regions, but I digress.)
In the air, it's a different story
On the ground, Singapore has proper locks on its public toilet doors. On the other hand, it's a different story in the air. Because on a recent Singapore Airlines flight, the other hand was being used to keep the toilet door shut.
An outraged traveller, in business class no less, was so outraged by his toilet door opening mid-flight — and presumably mid-business — he contacted Stomp to share his frustration, presumably not at the same time.
Though I'd have bought a business class ticket just to hear a desperate voice say, "Could I get some privacy in here? I'm trying to hold the door, empty my bowels and send a text to Stomp all at once!"
But it's no laughing matter. At least it wasn't for the passenger on a recent flight from Singapore to Delhi. As he told Stomp: "While I was using the rear lavatory, two separate people were able to open the locked door due to a malfunction," which begs an obvious question. Was the second person a dodgy voyeur?
The first person gets the benefit of the doubt. That individual had no idea the toilet was occupied. He tried the lock. The door opened. And he had the most awkward encounter since ah peks approached Blackpink fans outside a Geylang hotel.
But the second person presumably witnessed the commotion, or heard it at least, and still thought to himself, "Ooh, the outraged passenger must have been flushed away by now."
Or the second person was a pervert.
Either way, no passenger deserves that kind of exposure. Twice. If he'd been disturbed a third time, he would've left the flight with a signed ball.
SIA apologises, corporate comms wins
To the airline's credit, a public apology was swiftly issued.
In response to a Stomp query, a spokesperson said: "SIA sincerely apologises to our customer for the distress caused by a defective lavatory door on board SQ406 from Singapore to Delhi on Nov 5."
No fudging. No convoluted explanations. Just an honest apology. That's effective corporate communication. And if there's a heavy metal band in Singapore looking for a name, they'd struggle to beat "Defective Lavatory Door".
(Imagine hearing a DJ in a dingy underground club, screaming, "Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to rock with Defective Lavatory Door!")
Clearly, the only solution to the defective lavatory door is to post a government minister and the Singapore President outside business class toilets on SIA flights. Introduce the "two-key" system, where they must both unlock the toilet resources at the same time.
If they can keep an eye on our billions, they should be able to protect a semi-naked traveller, some squirty soap and a few rolls of the world's thinnest toilet paper.
Meanwhile, in Choa Chu Kang…
Or Singapore Airlines could employ the security services of a Choa Chu Kang MRT station bakery, which has pioneered a door that customers cannot open. In the same week. You couldn't make this up.
On November 27, a TikTok clip went viral after it showed SMRT staff members trying to free several customers who were trapped inside Bakery Cuisine.
They cordoned off the area and used tools to pry the door open. No one is sure why the door appeared to be unbreakable, but the staff at Louvre Museum in Paris have been in touch.
They'd like the same doors installed around their jewellery exhibitions.
Reports remain sketchy on the incident. It isn't clear how the customers were freed, or how long they were trapped inside the bakery, or how many chicken floss buns were consumed.
One witness suggested the customers were locked inside for a "few hours" and a crowd gathered at the scene, which just goes to show that there's nothing to do in Choa Chu Kang.
At the time of writing, neither SMRT nor Bakery Cuisine had commented on the unfortunate mishap. But it's a serious matter that needs further investigation.
Because if they continue to lock people away in bakeries, for hours on end, then all I can say is, I'm available on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
