Spill It With Stomp: My husband won’t agree to a divorce. His ‘girlfriend’ told me to ‘stay in my lane’

Spill It With Stomp is a new column where Stomp writers Cherry Tan and Ethel Tseng — two bespectacled women with bobs who definitely aren’t professional therapists — dish advice on stressful issues. Whether it’s relationships, family drama or work... Cherry promises not to judge, but Ethel cannot say the same. All this to say: take their advice with a pinch of salt — and don’t hold it against them if things go wrong.

Today, a young mother-of-two wants to know what she can do when her philandering husband — whose “girlfriend” is getting verbally aggressive — will not agree to a divorce.

Hi Cherry and Ethel,

I’m MS (23F) and I’m currently facing marriage problems.

My good-for-nothing husband and I have two children under four years of age together, but he basically contributes nothing (only buys toys, but then, anyone can buy toys, am I right?!).

He has this girl that he is “close” to. She reached out to me and told me to “stay in my lane” and that my husband is her boyfriend. She also said that my husband doesn’t love me anymore and that we are getting in the way of their “happiness”.

I confronted my husband, but he claims that there is nothing going on between them.

I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t want to. What should I do when I want my happiness but he doesn’t want to let me be free (and him free to find other xiao mei meis)?

Cherry

I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I can barely imagine how difficult it is to be juggling the needs of your two toddlers while dealing with these inappropriate messages and behaviour from your husband and his supposed “girlfriend”.

If anything, you sound like you’re at the end of your rope and I think it’s best for you to seek legal advice to understand what further actions you can take, given that your husband is not keen on a separation. Now would be the time to channel that rage, anger and frustration into finding out what solutions are available to you.

If you need some time alone to do so, place the kids with someone trusted for a day or two, such as other relatives or good friends so that you can at least be assured that they’ll be safe while you try to sort things out.

Dive in

That said, if your living situation becomes untenable or violent — or if the supposed girlfriend’s threats take a darker turn — please do not hesitate to make a police report, and/or consider the following helplines:

• Aware’s Women’s Helpline: 1800 777 5555, available from Monday to Friday, 10am to 6pm
• National Anti-Violence & Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000

Ethel

A deadbeat husband and a self-proclaimed “girlfriend” who is as obsessed with you as she is with him? I totally get why your internal lie detector is going off.

I’m curious to know when he stopped pulling his weight, or if he ever did. Was there a major life change that sent him spiraling? A quarter-life crisis, maybe? Or has he always been just another mouth to feed without contributing anything to the household from the beginning?

Either way, it sounds like something’s brewing beneath the surface, and I don’t just mean your rage. If being a journalist has taught me anything, it’s that context changes everything — there’re always two sides to the story. Even if one side is objectively more frustrating.

So when you’ve satisfactorily dispelled as much anger as humanly possible, maybe it’s a good idea to hear him out, and talk things through once emotions are tempered.

If he’s genuinely hanging on despite you wanting a divorce — and despite the supposedly enticing prospect of him being free to pursue other women — then there may be something more to the story.

Whether he’s finally having a delayed adolescent rebellion, grappling with childhood trauma left to fester, or something else entirely, knowing his reasons won’t necessarily change your decision.

But it might give you the clarity to walk away without wondering if there was a conversation left to have.

Hot Takes are opinion pieces written by Stomp journalists, based on their personal experiences and viewpoints. They reflect the writer’s perspective and do not necessarily reflect the views of SPH Media.

Need advice? Share your dilemma with us at stomp@sph.com.sg with “Spill It” in your email subject for a chance to get featured.

Have something to say? Join in!

Show all comments