Spill It With Stomp: How do I stop obsessing over my unrequited crush?
Spill It With Stomp is a new column where Stomp writers Cherry Tan and Ethel Tseng — two bespectacled women with bobs who definitely aren’t professional therapists — dish advice on stressful issues. Whether it’s relationships, family drama or work... Cherry promises not to judge, but Ethel cannot say the same. All this to say: take their advice with a pinch of salt — and don’t hold it against them if things go wrong.
Today, one university student shares how watching her crush date a mutual friend has left her battling jealousy and self-doubt. But is comparison the real problem?
Hi Cherry and Ethel,
I (21F) have a crush on a university friend in the same extra-curricular club. I think he’s cute and we have a similar sense of humour and views on life.
However, I recently found out he just started dating our mutual friend and I’m heartbroken. As much as I am happy for them, it’s painful to watch as I start wishing that were me. It’s hard to avoid them as the three of us are in the same club and we hold regular meetings.
This also makes me wonder if there’s anything wrong with my personality or looks-wise that he chose another girl over me. How do I deal with the jealousy and feeling of “what-ifs” when I’m around the couple?
Cherry
Girl, you’re 21. Compared to this writer who’s hitting 30, you’re basically a baby (adult) with plenty of time. It feels terrible now — I had an unrequited crush on one of my best friends in university for almost four years, so I get it — but it’ll get better.
Find some new hobbies that they’re not involved in and make new friends. Recognise the jealousy when it comes, but catch yourself before it spirals out of control. Don’t dwell on the what-ifs at the cost of all the other open doors you can freely walk through.
Anyway, there are 44 million more males than females on this planet. Mathematically speaking, you’ll find someone who likes your looks and personality at some point. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with being single.
Take this from someone who’s experienced her share of relationships and singlehood: not having someone hold you back is soooo underrated.
Ethel
A man who chooses someone else over you doesn’t deserve to be chosen by you at all.
Maybe he knew you liked him, maybe he didn’t. Either way, he chose someone else, and his choice doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lacking in looks or personality, just that the two of you weren’t the right fit.
The funny thing about crushes is they’re often a perception-distorting phenomenon. You might have liked him for so long that you’re mourning the version of him you imagined dating, not the one who’s sitting across the table from you in club meetings.
I’d say turn the jealousy into productive rage — calm down, this is not the start of your villain arc — and funnel your energy into doing all the things you would have no time to do while dating, companionship be damned.
And if you still find yourself thinking about him after all that? Well... university relationships aren’t exactly renowned for their longevity, so you might just have a chance to shoot your shot.
Until then, I’d stop treating him like the last eligible man on Earth.
Hot Takes are opinion pieces written by Stomp journalists, based on their personal experiences and viewpoints. They reflect the writer’s perspective and do not necessarily reflect the views of SPH Media.
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