Spill It With Stomp: Can we not invite his rude relatives to the wedding?

Spill It With Stomp is a new column where Stomp writers Cherry Tan and Ethel Tseng — two bespectacled women with bobs who definitely aren’t professional therapists — dish advice on stressful issues. Whether it’s relationships, family drama or work... Cherry promises not to judge, but Ethel cannot say the same. All this to say: take their advice with a pinch of salt — and don’t hold it against them if things go wrong.

Today, one young woman spills on her wedding planning headache. Rude relatives: keep on the guestlist, or boot?

Hi Cherry and Ethel,

I (25F) am engaged to my boyfriend and we are planning our wedding.

As my fiancé and I are assigning the headcounts for our dinner banquet, there are a few dozen of his relatives that I don’t wish to invite. They have said hurtful remarks about me (albeit when I’m not there), including about my looks. And to be very honest, I know their angbao amount will not even cover half of their seats.

However, my fiancé insists we have to invite them. As he’s from a traditional family, he said his relatives will badmouth him if he doesn’t invite them. But because we have a limited number of people we can invite, if we invite these problematic relatives (he has a big family), it will eat into how many relatives I can invite.

We’re at a deadlock, what should I do?

Cherry:

Firstly, are you in a romantic relationship with him or his entire kampung too? Ignore them!

But also, this sounds like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, so it might be good to have an open discussion about this with each other in good faith.

There might be a reason why he feels so indebted to them and why he can’t simply speak out against them — every family has its own story and I wouldn’t be too quick to judge them before a heart-to-heart talk with your fiancé. (Maybe after that, you can!)

Perhaps you can also agree on drawing the line at who is close enough to invite, and who you can live without — and stay firm. If he continues to insist, ask that his side pay for them, because why should you pay for people who don’t like you? Then all you have to do is just endure them for one night.

Ethel:

Sounds like typical people pleaser meets a controlling partner who can’t say no to mommy. Does he even know how this affects you, or is his crushing insecurity of being judged as big as the number of banquet tables he needs?

Let’s be real — all you get from cultivating ties with problematic relatives is years of forced gatherings that feel exactly like this one.

Still, as dense as his actions may seem, having a big family isn’t something one can control. You speak of them only in relation to how their actions impact you — their angbao amount and how inviting them leaves less space for your side of the family.

But isn’t marriage a partnership, not a competition? It’s not about who gets more seats, but who needs them more. Nor is it about getting back at toxic family members, but how you can find ways to peacefully coexist in spite of this.

Being the bigger person isn’t always the most glamorous. But since you’re stuck with them for the near future, at least you get to decide how gracious you want to be the next time they inevitably come to you for help.

Hot Takes are opinion pieces written by Stomp journalists, based on their personal experiences and viewpoints. They reflect the writer’s perspective and do not necessarily reflect the views of SPH Media.

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