Neil Humphreys: Singapore feels bad for Ariana Grande, but we took care of the wicked
If you come for Ariana Grande, you come for Singapore.
In such moments, we unite as one behind our no-nonsense laws. We speak in one voice, which is half Singlish and half Liam Neeson in the movie Taken and we say: "We're not a very big country, but what we do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills that make us a nightmare for nauseating Australians like you.
"You didn't let Ariana Grande go, so that couldn't be the end of it. We did look for you on social media. We did find you. We did make fun of your hair. And we did kill your reputation with a prison sentence."
And now the clown formerly known as Johnson Wen understands who we are — and what we do — after he earned himself a nine-day jail term for harassing Grande at the Wicked For Good premiere.
Don't mess with Singapore
We do not hesitate in punishing wrongdoers, particularly those who have negatively impacted our reputation. Wen had no defence for his actions — and he hadn't brought either Formula 1 or Pavarotti to Singapore — so he was done.
In Singapore, our eyes are wide open to anyone who harms our global standing, unless the suspect is Cambodian and happily pays the 60 per cent Additional Buyer's Stamp Duty, and then we close one eye and leave the other open to count the commission.
But when it comes to Johnson "He's Australian" Wen, we take no chances. Johnson "He's not Singaporean" Wen thought he could pull another prank on foreign soil and get away with it.
But the Australian did not anticipate the collective indignation that was headed his way. And did I mention that he was Australian?
Singaporeans have. Singaporeans have mentioned Wen's nationality at every opportunity. We don't need to tap a knee with a hammer to do a reflex test here. Just say "Johnson Wen" and watch how fast someone replies, "HE'S AUSTRALIAN!"
It's almost as fast as when a tour party turns up at Sentosa in matching baseball caps and a Singaporean cries: "They're from China!"
Do not confuse national identities in Singapore, especially when it comes to a blue-haired, self-professed troll who cackles on his videos like my mother-in-law when she's had too much rum at Christmas.
Peak Singapore: swift justice, zero nonsense
Maybe Wen thought his Chinese roots would allow him to blend in and disappear. But this is how the exchange between the Australian and the Little Red Dot actually went.
Wen: "I disrupted Katy Perry's Sydney concert and got away with it. I disrupted the men's 100m final at the 2024 Paris Olympics and got away with it. I'll disrupt the Wicked premiere and get away with it."
Singapore: "Hold my teh tarik… And pass me The Statutes of the Republic of Singapore."
We'd always penalise the little sod for something. We knew we would. And the rest of the world knew that we would. And there was something comforting in that, in knowing that we would live up to — and satisfy — domestic and international expectations.
In legal matters, some countries swear on the Bible. In Singapore, we swear on Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. We're six million gladiators and we're having our vengeance, but not in the next life. In the next week!
Sorry for the indulgence, but I giggled just typing that last sentence. Even by Singaporean standards, we out-Singapore'd ourselves. Johnson Wen leapt over the barrier on Thursday. He's serving a prison sentence by Monday.
That's peak Singapore. This is how we do it.
Of course, it's never going to be enough for Singapore's keyboard warriors, who've spent recent days trying to outdo each other with their medieval thirst for retribution.
Wen should be caned! Wen should be thrown into Changi Prison! Wen should be caned and thrown into Changi Prison! Wen should be locked in the showers of Changi Prison and then caned and then they invariably end up playing out bizarre sexual fantasies on Facebook.
(I read the online comments so that you don't have to. But my word, some of us are obsessed with men's prison showers, aren't we?)
But the overseas comments on Facebook, LinkedIn and in my family WhatsApp group were even better … Good ole Singapore! Doing what the rest of the woke, wussy world refuses to do, eh? That's the spirit! Remember what Singapore did with Michael Fay and chewing gum?
Actually, no. Most young Singaporeans don't remember Michael Fay, because the annoying expat vandalised cars in 1994 and the chewing gum thing barely registers anymore.
Weirdly, I still get asked if I "miss chewing gum". To which I always reply, no, because I'm not 12 years old. I have little interest in chewing something that looks like a tiny hamster's brain.
And I won't miss Johnson Wen either. Nor will the Sentosa and Universal Studios staff, who spent time, money and considerable effort to host a major event in a bid to attract tourism dollars in a difficult global economy.
And nor will Ariana Grande, who still struggles with the Manchester Arena terrorist attack at her gig in 2017.
But let's finish on an upbeat note. Let's finish with the formidable Cynthia Erivo. The Wicked For Good actor forced herself between Grande and Wen and held the latter at bay until security intervened.
Her move was so brave, so gangster, I had to check if she had connections with anyone at ACS (Independent).
