Lighten up, ACS, be grateful for the gangster street cred
It's not been a good week for those in the "former" category, has it?
There's Andrew, formerly known as Prince. And there's an alleged crime syndicate scammer formerly known as an ACS (I) student.
One had access to power, influence and an unrivalled global network, and the other was Prince Andrew.
This is not so much a storm in a teacup as it is a fracas in Dad's Ferrari.
And before I even get to the end of this paragraph, I can already hear the scribbling of the relevant alumni association, penning the following letter to The Straits Times:
"We, at the ACS old chums gang, take umbrage at the inane musings of Neil Humphreys, the so-called 'humourist' - we use that term advisedly.
"We do not all drive Ferraris.
"We drive Porsches, Bentleys and even the odd BYD, when the Ferrari is being serviced.
"We do not approve of Humphreys' facile attempts to downplay the pain and suffering caused by the unfair association between a Cambodian scamming syndicate and ACS. Yes, the crime syndicate has stolen $41 million from 438 scam cases.
"But that's nothing compared to the piss-taking we had to face at the Tanglin Club."
Personally, I thought the alumni might have appreciated the upswing in street cred after last year, when an Orchard Road KTV lounge was raided and one of the arrested men declared, "We are not gangsters, we are ACS boys".
It was hard to take them seriously after that (but the T-shirts were fabulous).
However, in their defence, that line can be a handy get-out-of-jail card.
"No, I'm not crossing the Causeway with an empty tank, officer. I'm an ACS boy."
"No, I'm not a Malaysian wedding photographer operating illegally in Singapore. I'm an ACS boy."
"No, I'm not a member of a Cambodian scam syndicate… Yeah, all right, you got me. But I am a former ACS boy if that helps?"
When privilege forgets how to laugh
It really does help because if there's one thing a member of an elite school alumni network loves to do, in my experience, is spend way too much time trying to convince anyone listening how un-elite his school experience was.
I've lost count of the times I've been at an event and someone will say, "Yeah, I went to an elite school, but that was only because I got a scholarship, on account of my father's wooden leg and my mother's hiccups.
And when I got there, wow, it was pure gangster. Some days, right, the boys would sit at the back and draw comics of women and everything!"
Honestly, if they're not telling you they were raised in a longkang in Yishun, they're spouting more Singlish than Phua Chu Kang with concussion, just to underscore their down-with-the-hood, man-of-the-people credentials.
I'd prefer it if they actually said, "Yeah, I go to an elite school. Why? Oh, my grandfather's got more money than a South American country. Crazy Rich Asians is our home movie."
But then, a gift falls from a Cambodian scamming syndicate - a proper gangster, not a KTV lounge pretend one, but an actual gang member with direct links to both organised crime and ACS - and suddenly everyone's a sensitive soul.
What happened to the street cred and the tokenistic stabs at egalitarianism?
ACS boys and their PR crisis
Apparently, the recent Straits Times report about the scam ring, which listed the names of 27 Singaporeans but identified only one by his school - the "former ACS(I) student" - was an "unnecessary and unfair association", according to the ACS alumni.
Indeed.
I'm sure there are parents sitting with their boys right now and saying, "Well, Xavier, we nearly pulled the pin with the whole Tengah thing.
No, we don't know where Tengah is either. But Tengah plus the Cambodian crime syndicate really was the last straw. We've got no choice. I'm sorry, Xavier. It's got to be RI."
But that's not going to happen, is it?
Because one caption in an ST graphic isn't going to break a school's reputation or the resolve of its community - unless its members are extraordinarily fragile and entitled.
The only appropriate response was to shrug, chuckle, and appreciate being part of a fantastic academic institution.
Instead, the ACS forces rallied, letters were sent and videos were posted from influential folks in society, which effectively turned a non-story into an iconic scene from The Social Network.
In that movie, the Winklevoss twins get a meeting with Harvard President Larry Summers to claim that Mark Zuckerberg had stolen their Facebook idea.
They feel slighted.
They feel wronged.
Dismissing their complaint, Summers says, "Since you're on the subject of right or wrong, this action - this meeting, the two of you being here - is wrong."
Because the twins used their rarefied network to gain access to an audience that would be beyond the reach of just about anyone else.
Similarly, the ACS alumni utilised their voices to make a media noise that would arguably be beyond the average neighbourhood school.
That's privilege.
And it should be worn lightly and not wasted on a photo caption that warranted no more than a self-deprecating giggle.
Just have a laugh at the fact that ACS finally has a decent gangster, and consider the positives.
Just have a laugh at the fact that ACS finally has a decent gangster, and consider the positives.
For anyone who prints funny T-shirts, the best is yet to be.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
