Neil Humphreys: Singapore debt collectors are like the Kardashians — dressed to kill, but with no substance
Singaporean debt collectors have always reminded me of those wonderful folks who dress up as Star Wars characters to visit children's hospitals. They look tough and menacing, but they can't actually hurt anyone, can they?
There's about as much chance of these people attacking staff at a Lao Huo Tang eatery as there is of a fake Chewbacca whacking a kid with an annoying cough at a polyclinic.
Our licenced debt collectors are really the Kardashians in black polo shirts: dressed to kill, but otherwise harmless (although both tend to show up when there is major credit card spending involved.)
Can I interest you in this undersized polo shirt?
They made the news over Chinese New Year for turning up at several Lao Huo Tang Group-owned eateries across Singapore (the debt collectors, not the Kardashians. Former actor Edmund Chen is featured on the Lao Huo Tang Group website as an ambassador, but there's no record of him performing with the Kardashians. He certainly won't be driving them anywhere.)
The restaurant chain either owes serious money, or they offer lunchtime specials for burly men who wear black polo shirts that are two sizes too small for them.
In widely circulated photographs, a couple of employees from A.S.K Debt Recovery can be seen leaning over a restaurant counter. They look rather physical and intimidating, when of course, they can be neither physical nor intimidating. It's like watching Tottenham Hotspur play.
The Debt Collection Act, which was introduced in 2022, makes it very clear that such folks must comply with other written laws, such as the Penal Code and the Protection from Harassment Act - meaning no threats and no violence. They can't even send threatening messages, which automatically rules out my wife getting a job with them.
Debt collectors are basically me when I was 18 and heading to nightclubs for the first time. We'd dress the part, muffle a few words, but come away empty-handed.
A (very) short play about debt collectors
How did they even engage with nonplussed staff at the Lao Huo Tang eateries? Just imagine the dialogue:
"Hello, have you come for our black polo lunchtime special?"
"No. Your boss owes us money."
"OK … You wanna eat or not?"
"Did you hear us? You can see we are big guys, right? What do you want us to do?"
"Wear bigger polo shirts?"
"No. These show off the biceps. Just imagine what we could do with these muscles."
"Er ... Male modelling?"
"No! Well, maybe next month. Things always slow down during Chinese New Year … Look, that's not the point. Your boss must pay or …"
"What?"
"We'll keep coming back."
"OK… Will you eat something then? That might help with the whole debt thing."
"Look, my friend. If I flex my pecs…"
"You'll pop your shirt button?"
And on it would go, round and round in circles, as one of the most intimidating industries in human history awkwardly collides with one of the most sanitised societies in modern history.
This feels very Spursy
Licensed moneylenders and Singapore are like half-decent managers and Tottenham. They're not a natural fit. The talent is undoubtedly there, just not the environment to nurture such physical attributes. In other words, no one is getting their hands boiled in Mummy's ABC soup.
The illegal ones are hardly any better. They picked up most of their skills not from the triads or the Yakuza, but from their local PCF Sparkletots. Forget the parangs and the semi-automatics — they turn up ready to do some finger painting.
I actually caught an ah long (loanshark) in slippers once, as he prepared to throw red paint across my HDB flat. There was initial confusion as we confronted each other. The lanky ang moh in boxer shorts didn't look like his debtor. And I wasn't sure if he was a LASALLE art student, doing a Jackson Pollock thing for HDB.
He splashed the paint. I shouted. He shouted back and ran for the stairs. It was hardly an episode of Breaking Bad. It was more like an animated scene from Bluey.
As I was merely the tenant and the flat's owner had scarpered, the loan shark was out of options. I wasn't paying someone else's debt, any more than the poor staff at Lao Huo Tang. They serve customers, not debt collectors, underlining what a thankless, often hapless, business it can be in Singapore.
Desperate people resort to desperate measures to borrow and retrieve money, and debt collectors are armed only with patience, empathy, and black polo shirts designed for teenagers. It feels like a lose-lose situation in Singapore.
Still, the writing business isn't what it used to be. So if the debt-collecting gig only involves wearing black and looking big in a non-threatening manner, then I still have my Darth Vader costume.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and MONEY FM radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
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