Neil Humphreys: Never mind Venezuela, the real oil crisis is between Singapore, Malaysia and dodgy pumpers
Understandably, the story has gone viral. It's beyond geopolitics now. It's about oil and the erratic behaviour of an old man.
That's right. A driver has pumped subsidised Malaysian petrol into a Singapore-registered vehicle.
I know. I can hardly contain myself.
The seething online outrage is palpable, topping a New Year's list of extraordinary events that are worthy of collective fury.
The United States launches an illegal invasion of a sovereign nation? Yeah, OK. President Trump sanctions the removal of a foreign leader? Yeah, OK. An uncle was caught pumping RON95 petrol into a Singapore car? THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!
Find him! Arrest Him! Cane him with a petrol hose. Waterboard him with RON95 petrol. Register the kind of public disgust that should really only be reserved for those who drown puppies.
Never mind Venezuela. This is the real international incident.
Operation Sticky Tape
An old fella scammed Malaysia's surveillance and security systems by — wait for it — partially covering bits of his Singapore licence plate with sticky tape.
It's not so much 007 as it is a K2 arts and craft class. ("Today, children, we'll take our sticky tape and kiddie scissors and blindside Malaysia's law enforcement officials as we recreate scenes from The Beng Identity.")
I'm now picturing Jason Bourne-style movies with spy agency officials staring at banks of CCTV screens as the boss slams his fist on the desk and cries: "Sticky tape! Why didn't we have eyes on the sticky tape? We know what Beng can do. We trained him. He can disappear in Johor. He doesn't need a false passport. Just a stripy polo shirt, baggy shorts and a pair of slippers and he'll look like every other Chinese uncle."
Full disclosure, I struggled with the extreme nature of the online outrage initially, as I've never pumped petrol in Malaysia and wasn't aware of RON95.
To me, RON95 sounds like the Twitter handle of a British Brexit voter. (I can hear him introducing himself: "My name's Ron and I'm 95-years-old. I love the Union Jack flag and far-right politicians.")
To my considerable disappointment, RON95 wasn't an ang moh retiree, but the name of a subsidised fuel reserved for Malaysians with locally registered vehicles, not Singapore permanent residents with Singaporean cars covered in sticky tape.
The law gets involved (seriously)
And this is no laughing matter.
According to reports, it's a violation of the directive issued by Malaysia's Controller of Supplies, which prohibits the sale of RON95 petrol to foreign-registered vehicles.
And, if you're still awake, the sticky tape session is being investigated under Section 108(3)(e) of the Road Transport Act for exhibiting an altered or tampered vehicle registration number.
Even the Johor branch of the Domestic Trade and Cost of Living Ministry reportedly got involved, in what appears to be a competition between departments with the most literal names.
It's only a matter of time before we get an investigation from the Ministry of Stealing Ron's Petrol Using Sticky Tape.
Considering the magnitude of this very serious crime, both the Kulai police chief and the director of the Johor Domestic Trade and Cost of Living Ministry issued media statements.
There are now rumours that a new Malaysia-Singapore joint task-force will be launched, one of equal importance. It will chase illegal cat feeders.
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Nothing Else Better To Do will continue to keep an eye out for Singaporean residents helping themselves to Ron's cheap petrol as we once again display a heart-warming lack of geopolitical perspective on both sides of the Causeway.
Both nations are blessed that these are the incidents that trigger us. Europe has Russia and Ukraine. The Middle East has Israel and Palestine. The Americas have the US and Venezuela. And what have we got? Uncle Austin Powers, unarmed and dozy.
The Americans secured Venezuela's oil supply with elite troops in Operation Absolute Resolve. Malaysia's oil supply was threatened by Operation Sticky Tape.
And still, the Kulai police chief insisted on a "we got him" moment, informing the media that the owner of the vehicle had been tracked down.
For the record, the "fugitive" was found in Singapore, not a Pakistani compound. The operation presumably didn't require commandos with night vision goggles, just anyone who could outrun an ah pek in slippers.
Europe has Russia and Ukraine. The Middle East has Israel and Palestine. The Americas have the US and Venezuela. And what have we got? Uncle Austin Powers, unarmed and dozy.
He later surrendered himself at the Kulai police headquarters, according to recent news reports.
Perspective, please
It's all a bit of a lark, really.
Yes, it's serious, in the sense that state-subsidised petrol should not be pumped into foreign vehicles.
But it's not serious, in the sense that the incident didn't involve foreign bombers, fighter jets and reconnaissance planes occupying our respective air spaces. That's the kind of perspective that Singaporeans and Malaysians should never lose.
Our vital Causeway relationship must always be built on mutual respect, trust and cheap petrol.
