Neil Humphreys: Grab can learn from Sheng Siong, never disrespect S'poreans and just feed them
As a professional rule, I rarely make fun of taxi drivers in my humour columns. It'd be like ridiculing Hannibal Lecter before attending one of his dinner parties. He'd meet me. He'd know what I'd written. He'd eat me.
I often imagine a cabbie saying to me, "Sengkang to Toa Payoh? No problem. By the way, read your column about taxi drivers. Very funny, ang moh. That'll be $188."
But there are ethical and moral reasons, too. At the risk of echoing Lee Kwan Yew and going a bit Karl Marx — there's a Christmas combo you weren't expecting — I champion the rights of the working-class cabbie.
To paraphrase LKY, taxi drivers should always be Singaporean to guarantee our blue-collar workers a bit of dignity.
And then a tech bro invents a ride-hailing app and the next thing I know, I'm being taken from Sengkang to Toa Payoh by a Russian divorcee.
That's a true story. One minute I was standing on Sengkang East Avenue and the next, I was racing through the KPE tunnel with a middle-aged woman who had an accent like a SPECTRE Bond villain from the 1960s. I kept looking for poisoned darts in her glove compartment.
Of course, Singapore doesn't need such dastardly foreigners on our shores, dreaming up fantastical schemes to rob us blind.
They can just call us and say: "This is the Singapore Police Force. Please hand over your bank details, or you'll be arrested immediately. Yes, I have a Cambodian accent. The police force will hire anyone these days."
Jokes aside, I am genuinely reluctant to satirise our cabbies and private hire drivers, who work long hours for our benefit. They are our unsung heroes. However, like a wedding car chauffeur honking his horn at 6am, sometimes these drivers cannot help themselves.
When drivers go round in circles
Recently, a Singaporean passenger went viral after waiting 40 minutes for a Grab driver who never showed up. That's not right.
In my day, dates never showed up. They'd catch a glimpse of me across the street, realise they didn't want to share a McDonald's value meal with an ang moh giraffe, and keep walking.
Grab drivers can't do that. They must show up.
But this driver, according to passenger Lim, didn't. The driver just "went round and round in circles" to avoid a $10.80 GrabShare fare, forgetting the first rule of private hire drivers: You're supposed to go round and round in circles after the passenger gets in the car.
(Yes, that's a cheap gag. But here's a quick tip for the fresh-faced private hire driver. GPS apps behave like a kindergarten kid riding a tricycle for the first time, suddenly shouting things like: "I wanna go left … No, right! … No, left! … Yeah, I'll go left because it's four metres shorter but has a bigger jam than a high tea at Raffles Hotel.")
Passenger Lim believes the driver went in circles because the fare was too low and hoped the passenger would cancel and pay the fee. But Lim didn't blink. In the end, the driver cancelled.
When 'on the way' means something else
I've been in similar situations where the driver is "on his way", which has to be the loosest definition ever, unless "on his way" means finishing breakfast, kissing the wife goodbye and having an early morning smoke before picking me up... from the next block.
Look, being a driver, or providing a public service of any kind, can be a thankless task in the age of social media.
Everyone's got access to instant feedback. Everyone's got access to the screenshot function, which allowed Lim to publicise the text exchange with the driver, who was still going around in circles like a one-armed rower.
But if a driver accepts the low fare, take the low fare. Chalk it up to the karmic gods and hope the next trip is more profitable. Treat the customer with a little respect and honour your side of the relationship. Better yet, learn from Sheng Siong.
If a driver accepts the low fare, take the low fare. Chalk it up to the karmic gods and hope the next trip is more profitable. Treat the customer with a little respect and honour your side of the relationship.
Sheng Siong got it right
A photo of a festive lunch for Sheng Siong employees also went viral this week, as it was a timely reminder of how to treat people.
The supermarket chain put on the spread to thank staff for their hard work over the busy holiday period, remembering the cardinal rule: the only one to a Singaporean's heart is through the stomach.
The heartwarming story reminded me of the magnificent Pang Tze Wei. He's the Grab driver who went viral earlier this year for stocking his car with snacks, bottled water and charging cables, just in case he picked up a starving, dehydrated passenger with only one per cent left on the phone battery.
That was a lovely gesture, just like Sheng Siong's meals for staff. We need more of these simple acts of kindness in Singapore — and fewer private hire drivers spinning around like a Michael Jackson impersonator.
And to show there are no hard feelings towards Singapore's great army of cabbies and private hire drivers, I will book even more rides over the festive season, using my real name… Michael Bublé.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
