Neil Humphreys: Don’t blame grandma’s Ikea makan madness on China
When it comes to the China blame game, Singaporeans can always be relied upon to come up with entertaining answers. But we may never top “Grandma lets boy at Ikea showroom dining table”.
We might as well retire the game. There’s nowhere left to go.
Normally, the answers in the China blame game are blurted out immediately, often definitively, even if there’s a lack of evidence to substantiate the claim. Indeed, the absence of proof or data is often part of the fun.
Ask any contentious question you like, such as, “Who’s behind the money laundering in Singapore?”
Singaporeans: “China!”
Like a tap on the knee, it’s the instinctive response in any coffee shop conversation.
“Why are there so many scams in Singapore?”
Singaporeans: “China!”
“Aren’t the scam centres in Cambodia?”
Singaporeans: “Paid for by China!”
“How come the food courts all look the same now?”
Singaporeans: “China!”
“And what about that nostalgic Teochew movie?”
Singaporeans: “China! Propaganda!”
“What are they propagating?”
Singaporeans: “That the Teochew uncles and aunties of Hougang rise up and storm the Istana.”
“For China?”
Singaporeans: “Exactly!”
“Yes, I can see why the Chinese Communist Party would need to annex Hougang Mall. And what about this grandmother feeding her kid in Ikea?”
Singaporeans: “Ah, that one definitely China!”
And at that moment, we had to end the China blame game, partly because we couldn’t top it and mostly because I almost choked on my Ikea plant-ball reading the story.
Immediate assumptions
According to the Stomp article from June 22, a grandmother allowed her grandson to eat at a dining table in a mock-up room in Ikea, which sparked valid concerns about a lack of public etiquette in Singapore, but also an inevitable wave of xenophobic comments.
My suspicions were raised when the post, originally shared in Facebook group Complaint Singapore, naturally, came with a photo of the two diners and a caption that read, “I told the grandma this is not allowed in Singapore,” which immediately assumed that the diners were not Singaporean.
Either they were eating with one hand and waving their passports with the other, or the photographer should be working for the Security and Intelligence Division.
According to the report, there’s no evidence that the grandmother and her grandson were from China, but that didn’t stop the xenophobic floodgates from opening, confirming the cynical rule of thumb that only foreigners are guilty of poor public etiquette.
Ikea: a place for inspired living...and uninspiring behaviour?
To which, one can only objectively reply, has anyone ever visited an Ikea store before?
Honestly, Ikea must be the only store in the country that causes otherwise sensible adults to completely lose the plot.
On entry, there are lockers and childcare facilities to drop off bags and babies.
It’s surprising there isn’t a staff member to ask: “Is there anything else you’d like to leave behind?”
“Yes, please. My brain.”
Anyone who has visited Ikea on a weekend has seen it: adults spinning in swivel chairs like a five-year-old, while actual five-year-olds treat every bed in the building like a trampoline, and families camping around mock-up living rooms as if they’ve already moved in.
If poor public etiquette is the issue, Ikea has never exactly been a controlled experiment.
A different approach
Don’t get me wrong. I love Ikea. It’s the only place where I can look a grown man in the eye and ask to eat his balls with a wooden fork.
But let’s not kid ourselves that poor public etiquette is determined by geography rather than upbringing and personal responsibility.
And if recent events and news stories have taught us anything, there are already enough bad actors and foreign players out there trying to sow the seeds of discord by amplifying racial and national stereotypes.
We really don’t need to take out our prejudices on an elderly woman who’s just feeding her grandson. Just have a discreet word and move on.
Or better yet, make a movie. These grandparent movies are cleaning up at the box office. The Chinese made Dear You, a comedic narrative about a young man who tries to track down his long-lost grandfather. And the Thais made How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies, a weepy tale about a terminally-ill grandmother.
Singapore could make “How to Makan With Grandma Before Ikea Kicks You Out”.
Imagine the storyline. A grandmother enjoys a quiet meal with her grandson as spies infiltrate the dining table sets, using the latest facial recognition software, AKA cultural stereotypes, to make the diners go viral.
The movie could make millions, especially if it’s made in Teochew.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and MONEY FM radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
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