Neil Humphreys: Cannot make our streets pretty! This is Singapore, bro!
There is a comedian among us. He walks along the corridors of SMRT and recently achieved a feat that humour writers can only dream of. His one-liner made me spit out my cornflakes.
According to a recent Stomp report, Marcus Pang, a power washing artist — no, I had no idea either and yes we’ll come back to that — had sprayed his latest creation across a bicycle parking zone outside Mountbatten MRT station.
An SMRT staff member asked if Pang had a permit for his artwork. Pang claimed that he didn’t need one and the SMRT staff member came back with a killer reply... “This is Singapore, bro.”
And the cornflakes splattered across my laptop screen.
This is Singapore, bro.
That’s right, people. Thump your chests and say it proudly. Malaysia does cheap petrol and the United States does the illegal invasion of sovereign nations. But this is Singapore, bro. And we do permits.
Fancy an overnight camping stay at East Coast Park? Get a permit. A speech at Speakers Corner? Get a permit. A spot of fishing? Permit. You wanna be naked in your own house? Permit.
Actually, there’s no permit for that one, you pervert.
And if you’re keen on cleaning the concrete outside Mountbatten MRT to design an artwork that represents peace? Get a permit.
A permit for everything?
The irony is, we don’t need a permit to make babies and yet we procreate with as much success as a pair of hedgehogs rolling down a hill.
It’s the knee jerk reaction that really titillates, the instinctive assumption that whenever we do a “thing”, something that’s new, creative or unfamiliar, then a permit must surely be required, like Singapore qualifying for the World Cup. It’s never happened, so there must be a Fifa permit or something that’s stopping us.
And if there isn’t a permit, then the culprit will usually be held until one is created. In Pang’s case, he was allegedly “detained” as they all waited for the police to arrive with their special “power-washing outside an MRT station and next to a bike rack” permit.
Singaporean permits must be like the tools on Batman’s utility belt. Fumble around for long enough and the right one will pop out eventually.
Finally, the police officers arrived and concluded that no crimes had been committed, according to Pang. However, they recommended that he should obtain a letter of endorsement from the local MP because, you know, this is Singapore, bro.
An unexpectedly important topic of discussion
How I’d love to be a fly on the wall as that request arrives in the intray of the relevant member of parliament as his or her secretary says, “right, we’ve got a local business asking if the latest Trump tariffs are going to affect costs. Construction workers are worried about the heat and a power washer wants a permit for his Mountbatten project.”
Surely, the MP could only reply, “What’s a power washer? Is that ‘woke-speak’ for money laundering because I’ve already said, ‘no more mala hotpots in my food courts’.”
“No, sir, he’s an artistic power washer.”
“And that means what? He’s a money launderer who buys paintings for tax breaks?”
“No, he uses a power-washing tool and rainwater to blow away the dirt on pavements and shape something artistic and positive into the concrete.”
“And he needs a permit for that?”
“This is Singapore, bro.”
“So, he cleans the pavements and carves out something pretty for the residents to look at. What’s the problem?”
“We received a single complaint.”
“Why would I jump through hoops and sanction permits, press releases and social media posts because of a single complaint?”
“This is Singapore, bro.”
It certainly is. And a commuter did indeed lodge a complaint, believing that Pang was “spraying chemicals onto the grass”. Yes, the artist was using that deadly, toxic ingredient – rainwater.
Protect our artists
Look, I know a kid can go viral in Singapore just for riding his toy car in the drizzle, but I don’t think rainwater is quite ready to melt us like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Pang was simply using a power washer to spray-draw a genuinely beautiful artwork that showcased the “Heart of Mountbatten”, featuring a heart and two birds. He was highlighting the message that “love conquers all”. But in Singapore, of course, complaints conquer all.
By the next day, Pang’s artwork had been washed away, leaving behind an off-white blob in the middle of a dirty, grey pavement. It warms the heart, doesn’t it? Penang has street murals. Singapore has off-white blobs in a mass of utilitarian concrete.
A unique, artistic voice should be nurtured and cherished in Singapore. It’s not quite a Kevlar vest, but it’s the best defence against the army of large language models ready to take out the mundane, robotic voices of conformity.
Personally, I echo the sentiments of my local MP, Jamus Lim, who has invited Pang to unleash his power-washing artistry upon the streets of Sengkang.
Please brighten my town’s footpaths by spraying the following heartfelt message... “This is Singapore, bro.”
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and MONEY FM radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
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