Having children ‘shouldn’t be transactional’: Influencer calls for shift in mindset amid S’pore’s falling fertility rate
Voiceover artist Caitanaya Tan expressed her views on a rumoured government-run dating service, saying that a shift in perspective is needed to raise Singapore’s total fertility rate (TFR).
In a post on May 4, the content creator referenced a Government Technology Agency of Singapore (GovTech) survey gathering feedback for a potential dating service, Firstdate, which offers free meals for first dates.
This comes amid Singapore’s TFR dropping to a historic low of 0.87 in 2025.
Ms Tan clarifies that while she doesn’t “come even remotely close to understanding how to run a nation”, she believes a different approach may be necessary.
“It’s not because people don’t want to date. And it’s not because people cannot afford to buy a meal,” she says.
Ms Tan noted that Singaporeans are often raised in environments where “fear is used to guide behaviour”, citing a common phrase directed at children: “Do this or else.”
“Over time, as we grew up and started making our own adult money, we realised ‘or else’ is not always true. And suddenly, the fear stops working,” she adds.
Having children becomes a duty
She explains that younger generations have become “bolder”, pursuing personal and career growth in unconventional ways, which has led to millennials being perceived as “lazy” or lacking “loyalty”.
Ms Tan argues that the encouragement to have kids feels more like “another instruction, another expectation, another thing that we are supposed to do or else”, adding that people should have the right to choose not to have children.
In her view, having children has become a perceived societal duty, or something one does for “validation, for societal approval, to meet a timeline”, rather than out of a desire to build a family.
“You don’t fix birth rates by making people date. You fix it by making people feel safe enough to choose the life they actually want,” Ms Tan says.
“It shouldn’t be transactional is what I’m saying.”
Netizens agree, cite cost of living, global conflict
The post quickly went viral, garnering over 187,000 views and 11,100 likes on TikTok.
“As a fellow millennial I can’t tell you how seen this video made me feel,” one netizen responded.
Another agreed with her perspective, saying that younger generations have a “higher expectation of happiness”.
“If we aren’t happy, why have kids to have them experience our struggles?” the netizen said.
Others pointed to global uncertainty as a factor influencing Singaporeans’ reluctance to have children.
“No amount of money from the government can help ease the anxiety over the state of the world, global warming, and fear of passing down generational trauma that we are still recovering from…” said one.
Others felt that cost of living was a key concern.
“I would be more inclined to have kids if it meant it was actually affordable if you cannot rely on your (grand)parents. Because in most countries, it really isn’t anymore,” a netizen commented, while another cited increasing housing prices.
However, one TikTok user said the “free meal” proposal was a step in the right direction, describing the situation as “different strokes for different folks”.
Singaporeans’ pragmatic approach makes money the ‘easiest’ excuse
Speaking to Stomp, Ms Tan pointed out that Singaporeans are used to evaluating life choices considering trade-offs.
“Singaporeans tend to be pragmatic to the point where even joy has to pass a cost-benefit analysis,” explained Ms Tan. “It’s about how we’ve been trained to measure life through money.”
Ms Tan says that in Singapore, asking “Is it worth it?” has become somewhat of a reflex.
“We don’t just spend… we evaluate, optimise. Then we justify. So enjoyment itself becomes tied to cost. Whether a meal is ‘worth it’ or not, a trip is ‘worth it’ or not,” Ms Tan added.
“And then you apply that same lens to parenthood… It’s expensive. It’s hard. It demands time, energy, identity shifts. And you haven’t tried it yet so you don’t know how the ‘reward’ is supposed to feel.
“So it starts to look like what I’d call a ‘double negative’: High cost, high sacrifice. Returns uncertain.
Ms Tan argued that when Singaporeans are conditioned to evaluating life in such a manner, the natural question becomes: “What am I getting back?”
“Now link that to everything we’ve talked about before: If relationships already feel uncertain… If the outcome of parenthood feels high-pressure… If the timeline feels unforgiving… Then money becomes the cleanest and easiest reason to say no.
“Not because it’s the only reason. But because it’s the most comforting one.”
‘Big life decisions’ shouldn’t be determined by external ‘noise’
Ms Tan, who’s in her 30s, would not say when she would have a baby, if at all.
She told Stomp: “There are a lot of opinions about when you should decide. I just don’t think that decision belongs to anyone else, and I’m comfortable leaving it there.
“At the end of the day, we’re all navigating different timelines, different values, different lives. Big life decisions aren’t things we should rush just because there’s noise around us. It should come from you, and the life you want to live… And that’s something each person has to arrive at for themselves.
“Myself included.”
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