‘I felt a lot of guilt’: Stomper shares why he placed mum in nursing home
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Does sending ageing parents to a nursing home instead of caring for them yourselves equate to lacking filial piety?
The question was posed by 70-year-old Stomper Francis, who wanted to share his experiences and views on caregiving.
The retiree recounted how several of his family members were placed in nursing homes due to stroke, immobility and age-related conditions.
“My grandmother suffered from a stroke and was bedridden, so her children and grandchildren sent her to a nursing home,” he said. “My elderly mother also suffered from a stroke and ended up in a nursing home. My third aunt is now in a nursing home due to her immobility and elderly atrophy.”
Francis said a lot of practical considerations had to be weighed before making such decisions.
“Because one or two of my siblings were not available while the young people were unwilling, we were compelled to put our mum in a nursing home,” he said.
He suggested that instead of focusing on whether the decision is filial, people should consider other questions such as:
- How can anyone make the best decision for their parents?
- How can they be sure they get good care?
- How can that be paid for?
Francis reflected on how different situations may require different solutions.
“Given that most people have a job or responsibilities, if a parent needs full-time care, then the adult children being the primary caretaker may not be the best option for anyone,” he said.
He also pointed out that hiring nurses may not be suitable for everyone due to budget constraints.
Parents who are left at home with periodic care may also not receive sufficient support, particularly if they are unable to care for themselves, he added.
The Stomper said based on perspectives from ageing-care experts and family counsellors, placing a parent in a nursing home is not inherently unfilial, especially when their health, safety or need for specialised care exceeds what family members can provide at home.
While Asian cultural traditions often emphasise caring for parents at home, he said modern realities such as health risks and the need for round-the-clock care may make nursing home placement necessary.
He acknowledged that working children may experience burnout while trying to provide 24/7 care.
“Nursing homes allow the child to spend quality time with their parents rather than being exhausted doubling up as caregiver,” he told Stomp.
Francis also said hiring a domestic helper may not be an option for some families due to language barriers or concerns about potential abuse.
He stressed that people’s circumstances differ and decisions should not be judged harshly.
“As long as you can rationalise and make independent decisions, who are we to fault them?” he questioned.
He understands how many caregivers feel guilty.
“Speaking from personal experience as someone who had to place my mum in a nursing home, I felt a lot of guilt,” he said.
“But how I reconciled things in my mind is that she needs a higher level of care than my siblings and I can provide, and the nursing home can do so.”
Francis said it is easy for others to label such decisions as selfish or unfilial, but each family’s circumstances are different.
In his opinion, a bigger issue is the “lack and poor quality of elderly care services in Singapore”.
“You can preach as many morals or wonderful stories as you want, but the harsh reality is we do not have the time, energy or skills to take care of our elderly parents when they reach a stage where they can’t take care of themselves,” he said.
The Stomper also suggested expanding community-based eldercare options, such as part-time social care support and subsidised local helpers for seniors who are still able to carry out daily activities.
“Singapore must start having ad hoc-based social care instead of everyone hiring a raw foreign domestic maid as caregiver,” he said.
He said community-based nursing homes can also be an option, particularly for individuals without children who may rely on their savings to pay for private care.
Francis noted that while nursing homes can be necessary, using them simply to “get rid of” parents would be inhumane.
He also shared his personal outlook on ageing: “As a retiree in my 70s, I am beginning to hunt for a nursing home should I become incapacitated.”
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