Neil Humphreys: Don't crucify NTU yusheng tossers, just make them clean up the mess
Singapore must be the only country on earth that offers student counselling for salad tossing.
International universities generally provide support for serious addictions, cyberbullying, and accidental pregnancies. The prestigious Nanyang Technological University (NTU), on the other hand, will organise sessions to deal with the horrors of shredded carrots.
NTU told Stomp it is aware of the recent viral clip that captured giddy students throwing handfuls of yusheng at each other during a Chinese New Year celebration, and that the culprits will be "counselled on the need to avoid food wastage".
Tossers Anonymous
On behalf of a hopeful nation, could I ask that these counselling sessions be televised? We need to witness the inaugural meeting of Tossers Anonymous.
I can just picture it: a gathering of contrite students, seated in a circle and listening intently as they take turns to stand and say: "My name is Boon Chong and I am a Tossing Addict. I was clean for six days. And then I passed a tray of yusheng at Fair Price and I just lost it. The manager is threatening legal action after I made a mess of his crushed peanuts."
And before we dig deeper into the yusheng tossing hysteria, spare a thought for the NTU communications department staff member who had to draft the following statement: "As a university with a diverse community, we observe various festive traditions that are to be conducted appropriately."
Out of curiosity, how high can a diverse community toss its salmon slices? And who is going to observe and measure these heights? Cisco officers? Will they get tape measures to examine our cucumbers? Am I going to use yusheng ingredients to make double entendres all the way through this column?
Quite possibly. Rule nothing out. Like NTU halls 3, 12, 13, and 16, everything is on the table.
We need a Festive Tradition Taskforce
I propose that we establish a Festive Tradition Taskforce and send them out with clipboards. Each student gets a handful of crackers, a pickled ginger, and a strict height limit. Break that limit and he's off to Tossers Anonymous.
Honestly, the 'NTU Yusheng Incident' takes me back to my school days, and not just because there were a handful of crackers and a pickled ginger in my class. We also did silly things. Everybody does. But there were literal and physical consequences for our immature actions.
And while we're on the subject of immature actions, those scenes were mildly alarming for two reasons: the lack of personal responsibility (which I'm getting to) and the age-inappropriate behaviour.
At university age, I was getting drunk in bars and trying – and failing – to sleep with women. Neither of those pursuits were particularly impressive or productive, but they were at least age appropriate. Food fights are for kindergarten kids, aren't they?
Never mind the food waste, I'd be more concerned to discover that the uni students finished the Yusheng tossing with some finger painting and a choral rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
No trace. No guilt. No accountability.
Look, we're blessed to live in a country where university students can make national headlines for throwing food at each other. When I was growing up in East London, university students would only make national headlines if they threw body parts at each other.
We're also slightly cursed to live in a country that is mostly safe, protected and always cleaned on our behalf. Someone always does something for us. Outsourcing is a way of life, which is why it's not a coincidence – or a surprise – that there was a second viral video of a food-flinging, yusheng-wasting mess this week, one that reportedly involved a realtor and a real estate company.
(And if I might stage an intervention here, if you're involved with a real estate company, in any capacity, maybe refrain from sleeping around and throwing food around, at least until the negative stereotypes die down. Honestly, viral videos involving realtors are like late-night buses. You wait around for ages and then they turn up all at once.)
But the realtors, just like the students — not to mention the rubbish dumpers — are always aware, subconsciously or otherwise, that we can make a mess because others will make it disappear. Like a magic trick.
We are not just a clean city. We are among the most cleaned cities on the planet, thanks to an army of silent magicians, pulling off one optical illusion after another. See that yusheng? Not anymore. It's gone. No trace. No guilt. No accountability.
Maybe bring back a degree of accountability and leave the counsellors behind to deal with more pressing social issues than how to toss yusheng in a university hall.
The students got a little carried away with the exuberance of the moment and made a mess. It happens. So make them clean up every subsequent mess and learn the value of taking personal responsibility.
As Whitney Houston sang, teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them how to stop playing with their cucumbers.
Neil Humphreys is an award-winning writer and MONEY FM radio host, a successful author and a failed footballer.
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