Why Bobby Tonelli and Jade Rasif are keeping some things strictly offline: 'Nobody is forcing anyone to post'
Fans are obsessed with every detail of celebrities' lives, who they date, what they eat, and even the tiniest gestures online. But as Vogue recently asked in its opinion piece "Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?", even casually acknowledging a partner on social media can be tricky.
Subtle hints, such as a hand on a steering wheel, clinking glasses at dinner, or a blurred-out face in a photo, have replaced full-blown romantic announcements, as social media users navigate the pressures of public scrutiny.
Singaporean radio personality Glenn Ong and Filipino actress Jonica Lazo have felt this intense gaze firsthand. "Stop going nuts," columnist Neil Humphreys warns, calling out the internet's fixation on public figures.
However, parasocial relationships, or one-sided attachments fans develop to celebrities, have only intensified with social media. Fans may obsessively follow every post, form emotional reactions to minor updates, or feel personally invested in a celebrity's life.
K-pop fans, for example, have been known to "dictate" their idols' private lives, as a 2024 BBC article reported when a star apologised for publicly acknowledging a romance.
Instant reactions, amplified scrutiny
Social media has made celebrity news immediate.
Liew Kai Khiun, a pop culture researcher whose work focuses on East and Southeast Asia, notes: "Compared to just two to three decades ago, with the lag time between reporting, publication and airing in traditional media, developments within social media take on greater immediacy in any announcements and responses."
Both fans and celebrities are no longer passive observers. Reactions to news or posts happen "instantaneously" and Dr Liew says: "In the age of social media, celebrities would have to continuously churn out content, including sharing aspects of their private lives to maintain their online presence."
But how much are celebrities actually comfortable sharing online? And how do they feel about being the subjects of constant online scrutiny?
To find out, Stomp spoke to two public figures - Jade Rasif, Singapore DJ and YouTube personality, and Bobby Tonelli, actor and host known for his breakout role in The Little Nyonya (2008), Mediacorp Channel 8's hit TV series - in separate interviews to hear where they stand.
'I just share whatever I want'
Visit Ms Rasif's Instagram page, and all you'll learn at face value is that she graduated from the National University of Singapore with a degree in Psychology and is a female DJ in Singapore.
On the grid are snapshots of her DJing and appearances at glitzy media events. What you won't find easily on the grid, if at all, are pictures of her partner. She only shares the occasional snippet of their relationship on her Instagram stories, such as glimpses of the flowers and gifts he sends her.
When asked why, she brings up the concept of the evil eye, a belief passed down from her grandmother, who is half Middle Eastern and half Slavic.
She explains: "If you get a promotion at work or win 4D, you tell nobody until the money is in your account. If you ask my grandma, I've already shared way too much, but to me, sharing small gifts like flowers or a bag here and there is okay."
There was a period, the 31-year-old recalls, where people managed to figure out who her partner was.
"There was a video where he was buying me something, and I was texting him asking him to buy me a car, and you can see his first name," she shares. "People went through my following, and he had a few hundred follow requests on Instagram that day."
Though she's private about their relationship, she's quick to add that she didn't find the episode uncomfortable, but rather funny. "Most people are so respectful anyway," she says.
Sharing only what you're comfortable with
Bobby Tonelli's Instagram tells a slightly different story.
Apart from his clear interest in technology, it's also easy to find photos of him with his current partner, Tata Cahyani, an Indonesian entrepreneur, at media events and on date nights.
The couple's philosophy is simple: they share only what both of them are comfortable putting online. The 50-year-old says: "Some moments and experiences we keep for ourselves, other times we are okay to share."
Being public about their relationship does have its fair share of perks. While he doesn't dive into the specifics, the actor-host admits that there are "some" benefits in terms of "content opportunities", but the couple remain selective on which to take on due to their busy schedules.
All part of the job
It's easy to argue that, by choosing to be in the public limelight, one has elected to give up a certain degree of privacy.
"I agree a degree of interest does come with the territory," Ms Rasif concurs, "with the caveat that basic decency should apply."
She adds: "If someone finds themselves overly invested in another person's private life, I think that says more about what that person is lacking emotionally."
"In general, we should all be a bit more self-aware about why we're drawn to certain people or stories," she concludes.
Mr Tonelli also sees some truth in the fact that being a public figure necessarily entails public interest in one's personal life.
That said, he concedes that oversharing on social media can cause "unnecessary stress" on a relationship, when people form opinions based on a "single moment or comment" and take things out of context.
'You can have a private life'
Even as netizens continue to pry and speculate, Mr Tonelli and Ms Rasif both believe that it's entirely possible for public figures to maintain their privacy.
Both argue that social media is not a "diary" for public figures to share blow-by-blow accounts of their day. It's really meant for the "little stories" or "snapshots" that reveal only a small part of their lives.
Ms Rasif adds: "I just share whatever I want. I think of social media as being at a party with my friends. I'm very happy to share little stories, but I don't have to pass around my diary!"
For Mr Tonelli, it's all about responsibility, setting boundaries, and discussing with his partner what they're comfortable uploading - and immortalising - on social media.
"You can have a private life," says Mr Tonelli, "just don't post your personal life."
At the end of the day, quips Mr Tonelli, "nobody is forcing anyone to post."
